The Language and Metaphor of Grief

Donna The Book: A Blog RSS

I’m a huge radio and podcast listener. It’s a primary means for learning, relaxation, and escape. March 2014 I listened to a Terry Gross Fresh Air Interview with the author Karen Russell about her book ''Sleep Donation': A Dark, Futuristic Lullaby For Insomniacs" I was struck by her language and metaphor. The narrator  of that novel is suffering profound grief from the loss of her sister. 

The longer I listened the more Russell’s language evoked new reflection on my grief and loss which I have written about here, here, and here. Yet hearing her words and seeing the images they evoked made me realize I may just be “water boarding the reader” with what I have shared. I thought I would revisit this old chestnut grief to see if I could better capture it. 

Early in the interview Russell reads from her book and one line leaps into my field of vision 'to be evicted from your dreams'. That for those who have not felt grief that is exactly what it is in six words. We have been evicted from our dreams of the life we had, the life we were working toward, and life we wanted. Suddenly we are thrust into a 'Subaqueous state’. For me it has been that way since Donna died. I reside underwater unfocused and floating in a suspended animation struggling to find the surface. 

At the end of the podcast she is referring to another book ‘Swamplandia’ and said ‘Cue ball break of grief where everyone goes into their separate pocket’. How true and accurate, we all end up in our own places when we grieve. Everyone’s grief is different. And I will add for me it is not one place, it moves. My grief is organic. A HCP said to be “You have adapted well to your loss.” Wanting to be the good patient I drank that kool aid without measure. It was bullshit to a point said to clear the desk and chart notes. Yes there are days I feel adapted to my loss, yet that adaption is a moving target that requires us to keep careful aim in order to understand and learn. 

I will live with my grief as my partner and manage it like a tool to grow, learn, and motivate. I’ll not allow it to weaken me. Though I have been evicted from my dreams I will work to regain them each night. 

Re-reading this old Podcast and reviewing where my head and heart are now I wonder

This is Interesting #16

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Finding Meaning & Purpose: A Needed Goal Following Loss

I recently stumbled on an article that was posted September 2013 by Mark Manson on his Web site. The article titled: "Find What You Love and Let It Kill You" is a quote from the poet and author Charles Bukowski. Manson presents Bukowski generally and is on point about all his warts, pain, self-destruction, and powerful writingl. The primary message is that when one is passionate about something pain follows. That is the essence of Love Loss Grief Pain.

I may be wading into my own private Idaho here so bear with me. Manson notes that it’s understood 'you don’t get love without pain'. Nor do you get meaning and profundity without sacrifice. Then Manson writes this:

"Meaning is the new luxury."

This entire meaning and purpose thing has been my emotional struggle. I had meaning when I owned my business. I had it in spades when I was a caregiver for Donna and the docent for her death. Suddenly after her death I hit a wall for meaning and purpose. Add to that the failure to find work or even give a shit all meaning and purpose evaporated. I have written about meaning and purpose here and here. Bottomline for me I want to find how not to languish in my own head about Donna, grief, my life, my lack of life, and more.

Manson sums his view and the view of Bukowski. Finding meaning and purpose is not a five day spa retreat. It is hell and he quotes Bukowski "What matters most is how well you walk through the fire." Waking up one day happy ain't in the cards for most and especially for me. And doing it over and over paying attention to how it feels may just end up with you being changed. Read this and jump to the link for ‘Because you Change’.  (Good stuff) 

So what the fuck does this have to do with Donna, me, and grief? I have been lost since Donna died or that's what it feels like. After reading this I am still stuck in the emotional amber of my grief yet when I look at what I am doing or have done maybe perhaps I am in that walking through fire phase. I am building meaning and purpose with my blog, writing and publishing Donna, A Photo Memoir of Love and Loss, filling my days with habits though I still have goals, and I am learning no one gives a shit and my fucks have flown the coop. So perhaps, maybe, just in case I am on a path to something meaningful.

The Science of Making and Loosing Memories

This was from Caltech's Web site "How Memories From and Fade". This was : animal study where mice were put into a straight enclosure with unique symbols along the walls. At the end of enclosure was sugar water. Newly place animals were unsure of what to do and wandered until it found the sugar water. Only one neuron activated at the first interaction with the enclosure. Over time as the mouse repeated this exercise it became familiar with the task and the symbols more neurons were activated. To examine how memories fade over time the mice were kept off the track for 20 days. When returned to the track mice had formed strong memories encoded by higher numbers of neurons. Using groups of neurons enables us to have the redundency that allows us to recall memories even if some neurons fall silent.

The scientist explained it this way. The more you tell or re-tell a story and tell others  this story each time it is repeated it strengthens the story and fills gaps. Re-telling the story increases the likelihood of the memory persisting over time. That is what happens with the neurons. Repeated telling's increase the number of active neurons.

So to all of use who have lost a loved one, shared our story with others, joined an online platform such as #hywc we are reinforcing those memory neurons and expanding the number of neurons making that memory intractable. It seems we don’t forget as we progress in our grief journey.

Home Hospice Considerations

The New York Times article "Is Dying at Home Overrated?" written by RICHARD LEITER, MD. Is critically important to anyone caring for a terminally ill loved one. It is also something I can speak to first hand. 

Donna was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and told she had six months of life. The hard work of an excellent oncologist, his team, and Donna’s take no shit attitude she lived for nearly three years. In July of 2011 her third and last treatment option was failing. She developed a pleural effusion which required a hospital stay to have it drained. A week later the effusion could not be cleared and she entered hospice. Below are excerpts from Donna, A Photo Memoir of Love and Loss.

Dr. B. and Dr. S. suggested Home Hospice. When the Hospice intake staff spoke with me, they weren’t wearing white coats. This was not clinical. It was business. The conversation felt like a sales call, done in a busy hallway of rushing physicians and nurses, with families of patients sitting nearby. Here I was, speaking and answering questions about Donna’s death, in the most public of venues for the world to hear. Intake handed me papers to sign. I did not feel like a person about to lose his wife of 28 years, being offered hope and dignity. I felt like a transaction.

The Home Hospice bed and other items were ordered, delivered, and set up in our apartment, with the bed in the living room. All the while I was imagining Donna in the bed while I sat next to her, catching up on the episode of Sons of Anarchy she missed. I pushed out of my mind having to bathe her, change her bedpan, attend to her pain meds, and wake in the middle of night to comfort her. None of that was ever part of our plan thirty years ago but I knew when the time came I’d face it like a Marine. You do not leave your dead or wounded behind. We would take that final march to the Medvac helicopter that would carry her away. 

Early that Saturday, Dr. S. spoke with me at the hospital. The floor was quiet and Dr. S. was at the nurse’s station, looking at patient charts in thick, brightly colored plastic binders. He didn't really look up at me. Or maybe I don't remember because the numbness of it all was taking its toll.

He said, “Dr. B., the Hospice staff, and I think it would be best if Donna enters the Hospice unit in the hospital. The care she needs, even with medical aides, is beyond what Home Hospice can do.”

I had been holding on to that trope of a wonderful, peaceful death at home, surrounded by friends and family circling her bed like supplicants kneeling to receive the communion of her life passing. Now I was hearing that even if she came home, she wouldn’t have that. I wonder to this day if Dr. S. was straight with me, or if they all thought I was a caregiving failure and couldn’t be trusted.

Dr. Leiter spoke to all of what I pulled from the book. The medical staff who I trusted implicitly understood both Donna and I and knew dying at home was going to be beyond my pay grade and my emotional intelligence.

Dr. Leiter's article is worth a careful read if your loved one is facing death. 

This is Interesting #12

Donna The Book: A Blog RSS

Talking About Grief? Just Do It!

Jess Denham wrote this "Why We Need to Talk About Grief" published in the UK edition of Harpers Bazaar. Denham's opening line says it all:

I thought grief was something that happened to other people. I thought it meant being really sad for a long time. It is something more complex and what we will all face.

See my quote by CS Lewis from A Grief Observed. Here

Denham gets it because she has been there. Her father recently died and she was thrust onto the grief path. This is less a self help for those of us in the throws of grief or those who find our grief sneaking up dope slapping us years after out loss. Denham is talking to you about your grief and your emotions and feelings about grief. Each and everyone isl valid and deserves to see the light of day. We are not served well to stand in a dark empty warehouse whispering about our loss because we don’t want to be Debbie/Dougie Downers. Those who do not want to be around us buzz kill grievers move on and don’t do no harm. Here are some bullet points from Denham’s article:

• Listen

• Those who grieve feel isolation. Help them feel part of the world

• Let the one grieving feel vulnerable. Don’t shut them down with “You have to accept the new normal.” Grrrrr

• Ask them about the person they lost. Then wait and listen (see below)

• Listen

 More on the link pop over and see. 

The Purgatory That Comes After Losing a Child

Joe Fassler’s interview with Jayson Greene struck a resonant chord with me on a number of fronts. Greene's 2-year old daughter died and he wrote a memoir to help him survive. "Once We Saw the Stars" I know that feeling. We all do who grieve.

 Donna my wife of 28+ years died in 2011. Before her death and after I tasked myself with attacking my grief, understanding my pain, and finding light within my darkness I was thrust into. Part of that was blogging, podcasting, and writing a memoir about Donna, us, love, and loss. Joining HYWC too.

 Greene makes very salient points that are helping me understand what at times felt as if I was charging windmills when in reality I was seeking clarity. 

Key was the quote from the Inferno

“Some of the beautiful things that heaven bears, Where we come forth, and once more saw the stars.”

As time progressed I have written more and read more about grief and my grief path.  I have come to realize the 'beauty heaven bears’ by the full throated embracing of my grief and the task of writing a memoir about Donna and us. 

Donna, A Photo Memoir of Love and Loss was the story, as Greene says: “to excavate out of myself, something that I had to tell to live.” This interview holds something for all of us grieving and trying to find our grief path. 

Mourning While Working

NBCNews had this article by Nicole Spector "Working while mourning: How to grieve when you're on the job" I have written about this issue of grief and employees here. Spector goes into to some welcome detail and how-to tips which we can all benefit from. When I say all I mean those of us in grief, employees, and co-workers. Below are some points Spector makes. Read the piece, it is good. Also share it with your employer. 

•  Don’t deny or ignore your grief even when working.

• Honesty is the best policy at work

• Set some time aside at work to measure your emotions your grief

• Even the most mundane tasks give us meaning (I make my bed)

• Grief is a form of self-care

• Put the picture on the desk.

 This is great tip filled smart article. If you are new to grief or its darkness sneaks up on you take a read it will help. It helped me.