There is a back story. There always is. A back story playing out around him for years and years that was never considered because nothing mattered.
Read moreChained to My New Reality
I'm residing on a new continuum. It's my current state as I speed towards an expiration date. The two points on this new continuum are "Nothing Matters" and "I Don't Care". I feel chained to this with no Houdini like skills to escape. I pull and pull at the chains holding me in this state of being to no avail. Or maybe I just don't care and this is what it is. I weight the way and the what for's of this moment. Hard to say with any certainty why but, I can hazard some guesses.
Read moreAsking Open ChatGPT About Donna's Memoir
As they say in a court of law, "You should never ask a question you don't know the answer too." I learned my lesson when I asked Open ChatGPT what they thought about my book, "Donna, A Photo Memoir of Love and Loss".
Read moreAge of Invisible Chapter 2
His current state of being shouted there was nothing to motivate or assuage the amber like state of his emotional of his life. His ever-present expiration date with all its transient aches, pains, hypochondria, and surrender of meaning whispered like a wind chime. The memories became elongated trailing shadows following him in the sunlight of today. Nothing seemed to matter any longer.
Read moreAge of Invisible Chapter 1
Donna was a latte soul. There was the ritual perfected over many years. The stainless steel pitcher selected to hold the milk and steam to fill Donna’s beloved oversized latte cup. The latte cup made one Christmas in a pottery pop up with some cave like drawing of Nina, her beloved Westie, and an angel. Glazed in blue.
Read moreEntering Hospice: Dignity In The Face of Fear
Donna holding Ruggles in Hospice
Hospice is about dying well. There is no good death any death is bad and painful but dying well surrounded by friends family loved ones changes the dynamic for both the patient and the family. It makes the time to the finite end better and kinder and comfortable but more important is the time after death. That is our long darkness the time after death of a loved one. Our
Read moreAge of Invisible Prologue
No matter the day the face on the nightstand clock was useless. It was always the same time. Why look? The reality was clear, there was really nothing to ever accomplish today or any day for that matter. The pretend there was something anything was wearing thin exposing the soft pink underbelly of a future.
Read moreEnd of The Year Reflections
The patio in Cape Elizabeth where Donna and I would sit
In no particular order of importance here's what is seen though my review mirror as opposed to the mud and bird shit stained windshield looking forward.
Read moreI'm a YouTube Creator. Huh?
I was never a YouTube watcher. It may be due to an undiagnosed case of ADD. Sitting and watching videos makes my head cycle thinking about "Did I leave a dirty fork in the sink?" "I need to sort my graphic t's into colors and messages." It's true. There is an endless suffocating loop in my head of next, next, next, sit the fuck still.
I started a YouTube Channel.
Read moreThe 9/11 Tribute Museum Has Closed Our Stories Remain
The 9/11 Survivor Tree
The 9/11 Tribute Museum was not a collection of things. Things from that day do tell a story. The viewer needs to absorb that thing in order to learn and appreciate its value and meaning. They have to work from their knowledge, context, and being to find meaning. That's only a partial understanding of 9/11 and one that is subject to variations of understanding. Our context shapes what we learn when we're not engaged with others.
Read moreLook Honey I Shrunk My Venn
If this was a Venn it's a Venn of two circles overlapping greatly. One circle was a widowed man of a certain age alone without meaning and purpose. The other circle was the grief community, my grief journey/work, and my desire to bring meaning to my loss and others loss.
Read moreReconciling Myself with My Reality
Oystering is the word of moment. Pull back but not surrender my kindness to others just to myself.
Read moreNothing Matters--Except This Stuff
Not a lot matters yet, these things do here and now and into the future. Grandparents and grief. Lost pregnancy and community. Mental health support for teens. Mental health first aid. Suicide. Bullying. Kindness! Working parents struggle with children and mental health.
Read moreIn Lieu of Annoying Shares & Posts-One and Done
In a week I share many links and posts. I thought I would put a weeks worth on a single link and just stay in my lane.
Read moreEmbracing Isolation
Clearly I've drank deeply from the realm of grief. I've imbued past moments and memories into my being, into my current self. I've said and know that the wound of grief has let light in.
Read moreBounty and Famine My Bookends of Grief & Isolation
Quote is from an Ezra Klein Podcast with Ruth Ozeki and help craft this post
When Donna died I flayed at finding meaning and purpose. I never gave up trying. At this moment it seems that I've lost agency too. Agency over myself and all that I am doing with regard to my work/journey. A journey of musings without witnesses.
Read moreThe Bitter Rind Of Memories
Valentines Day is Donna's birthday. I sort of made a promise that I would not harsh anyone V-Day fun, shares, and PDA's with my postings about the swirling emotions of her not being here for me to gift the hell out of her.
Read moreA Letter to Her Ashes
Some of Donna’s Ashes put to sea in Maine
I sit in my ersatz solitary confinement trying to ferret out meaning and purpose. Poking my snout into holes seeking the scent of a voice that I can harvest to resonate with others as Abbey has. There are many ghosts and just the me of me that places a Jersey Barricade in my path.
Read moreDiscovery and Reflection
The shells and stones were whole at one time. Complete in their beauty and shape. They had purpose a reason to be where they were in the ocean. They held agency and gave agency. They existed as a whole in and of themselves without need to be connected nor engaged. They were complete and self actualized.
Read moreLooking Back for Perspective
The reality that solitary’s journey is not free of pain and suffering. Freedom, liberation, and peace runs through suffering. “The self is the vehicle, that boat that takes us from loneliness to aloneness—that takes us on the journey to solitude.”
Read more