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Escher-Eye
Three quick references on grief. How to navigate being stuck, broken, and unmotivated after a loss. The death of a colleague can be devastating for all some great tips to help everyone. Amazing list of online support groups when you’re grieving.
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There is that specter of hubris that chases me with relentless inquiries “Will you dance with me?” I won’t. Not because I’m smarter and more self actualized about all the psycho shit in my head. I just know I’m not worthy of hubris or self-actualized feels that says I am good either in my head or out loud.
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Loving myself has always been the bur under the saddle of self-worth. It was there poking at me and making my ride forward problematic. It was largely kept in check though sheer will and that I didn’t have to look at myself in relation to others. That damn do I measure up syndrome. Thank you the pandemic and isolation.
Read moreThere exists a ‘grief illiteracy’ in our collective lives. I would say with 20/20 hindsight the grief has animated my sense of loss which is new, a deeper understanding of Donna and what love is, the sincere wish I could share what I am learning and doing with others in the same state of shit.
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Escher Eye
Three great reads on grief 1. Surge Capacity our ability to survive stresses faced in Covid times. This works for grief 2. A review of yogi Shabkar work in loss and grief. Important. 3 Pandemic & Isolation so much written but this is is clear applicable to our grief.
Following Donna’s death I examined my loss and my grief relentlessly. Closure was never an option. Closure is indifference. Closure is denial said pretty. Closure ignores who Donna was and who she is within me. In my grief journey/work I’ve discovered three domains. We all grieve differently and each of our grief journeys are entirely unique. I attacked my grief hard and discovered its purpose and meaning for me. My wound of grief allowed light to enter.
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Dinner on Sunday was low key. The walk home, only two blocks, was difficult. Each step Donna took was painful and slow. She walked like one of Jerry’s kids on a telethon with braces.
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With a damp index finger he pushed little drops of condensation away. Swiping left right left right making rivulets to sharpen the image. The finger touched the nose in the mirror slowly then moved up and left and stroked the left eye. He tapped it to see if it would blink. No blink just an eye looking back into his eyes.
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Donna in Maine
This year the days leading up to and the day Donna died were unremarkable in a way. The pain and longing was there and darted like bats from the pitch black corners and recesses of my mind at random times was present. Flying at my face always fresh, new, and like WTF. It seems new every year and most days in between.
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Caregiving tasks suddenly and forever ended when Donna died three and half years after being told she would only live for six months. Caregiving tasks were the markers and check boxes for purpose during her treatment. That was all. Never meaning.
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This is not just a film for those grieving it is for everyone one of us. Grieving, grief adjacent, afraid to support, grief dumb, and those who want to see grief from the inside.
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The Crisis Text Line Hoodie
The hoodie allowed me to journey with texters to have them discover and achieve a cool calm. I am beyond grateful for being allowed to journey with them.
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Kubrick “Sometimes the truth of a thing is not in the think of it but the feel of it.” I feel that my decision to become a crisis counselor with Crisis Text Line gave me as much as give those in crisis. You should consider joining.
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Cake Topper May 15, 1983
Anniversary grief is subtle when it starts. You know the date and in your mind there is a smile remembering what happened that day and all that make the 28 years that followed. Then one morning you wake expecting to do the usual calling Donna just because it's what you do to greet the day. Today it's a plaintive cry imploring the gods to ease the pain settled in your bones.
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Today within our community and others we are gathered around a virtual village fountain sharing. Our personal grief shared allows other to see their grief and access it. AND it helps us understand and find a safe place to grieve. Shared emotions and ideas can only serve to help others integrate new knowledge into their world to create a new consciousness. COVID-19 and the pandemic will not allow even this small measure of grief and support to thrive.
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I was living, barely, devoid of meaning after Donna died. I was part of the epidemic of loneliness and despair. I didn’t know when I went though that writing exercise there is more behind this than just my grief journey.
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Catching up on my grief, loss, and healing reading. Here are a few quick recommendations for our individual grief and the collective grief of being in a pandemic.
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Duvet swung right, feet pushed left and planted on the floor. 38 steps to the kitchen embedded in memory. Each day this repetitive genesis yielding to nothing matters. Then are the moments frozen in the emotional amber of grief. Tomorrow’s then’s are cataracts, cloudy at best.
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Meaning will not happen because we wish it. It happens with careful tending, watering, and fertilizing. It took me years to find meaning, new or otherwise.
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Not sure when I started to consider volunteering. It was not easy to consider it as an option. Nothing says retired, old, unless, and without meaning and purpose as does “I am volunteering at...” Don’t get my message here wrong. I am not besmirching volunteering. Without people doing it much of the greatness humans offer other humans evaporates. It is more about me being unaccepting of me as I am.
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