Continuing my previous post Touching Grass where I referenced a play I am working on and how that exercise afforded me the chance to discover what I am failing to see within me. I wanted to share a short excerpt from a scene.
John had just finished chatting with Lilly a woman who recently lost her dad. She lost her mom when she was 13.
(John Facing the audience)
John: I did a lot of sharing about my grief and Mandy. Sadly I was a one trick pony. I could only jump over a single bale of hay. Trotting in the same circle kicking up sawdust approaching that lone bale and jumping. Only to do it again and again until the saw dust became a well worn track. Over and over on repeat until no one came to the watch.
(Mandy, his late wife, walks toward him from the shadows)
Mandy: You connected with Lilly so well. You made a difference. Gave comfort. Hope. She was not alone in her pain. You were there. In the very same breath you doubt yourself with that one tick pony whine.
You want approbation and validation.
(Mandy shakes her head in disbelief)
You know what’s the most tedious and vapid goal in life is? Seeking praise from rando’s for self-worth.
My death broke you. My death was the gift of knowledge. Which is the here now. Look what you do for others. It’s lost on you. Unused by you for you.
Love yourself for you not for the empty likes and hearts on your socials. Lilly hearted you in her beating living heart IRL.
( John Straightens up looks hard at Mandy is raising his voice)
John: Okay yeah got it. I’ll just do that. Be my own fan club now that you're gone. I’m left behind sorry if making you my legacy is so fucking annoying. I’m doing…
(Mandy Cuts him off mid sentence waving her hand)
Mandy: Volume is not content. Let me make this simple. The rear view mirror is not your direction. Memories go forward with you. Your grief created compassion, which you wield like a sword.
(Mandy crosses her arms over her chest)
Mandy: Your posts on socials do not connect. Lilly Lilly Lilly…that was connection.
Lilly came in defeated, beaten, and overwhelmed. She left with hope and memories. Love yourself for that.
(John Steps forward gives Mandy a hard look)
John: Ya sure all that. I do it. No one sees it or understands it. It’s unseen.
Mandy: So what! You and Lilly know it. You want others to see you? So you like yourself?
Validation from others is nice if it’s additive to your own self value. No self worth? All the likes and hearts are useless. They fall on an emotional desert. Never to be absorbed.
There we go pulling words from the dead. Handing them to the living. Offering insight where denial resides.
There is something to be said for 'journaling'. Words have meaning they illuminate the unseen within us when we see them on paper or share them out loud. They glow. A neon sign. Flashing "This way."
The catch is, at least for me, how do I take them and build new knowledge? Not just pay lip service to all my musings but self actualize them?