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It was joining HYWC that some profound changes/discoveries began.
I discovered I was not alone in my grief. Though writing and reading about the grief I knew I learned we all grieve and grieve differently. We are all in pain. We all want to share our story. Being among these HYWC wids I discovered. A brilliance of our shared grief. The Venn of our pain and hurt. How we all can learn, grow, and support others grieving.
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Donna & Me Bonaire
This post is my visceral grief imbibed cleansing of my emotional palate after watching Normal People. There is the art of Normal People. Each shot, the framing, the lighting, the music, the facial expressions of the actors/actresses, and so much more.
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On March 5, 2020 at 2pm I logged on to the Crisis Text Line platform to take my first shift. A baby chick. A Level Zero. At 4pm on that day I ended my first shift as a Level 1 and nearly vomited. Walked to get dinner on shaking legs. Thus began my year as a Crisis Text Line Volunteer Crisis Counselor.
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Barcelona
This grief, my grief, occupies a vault within me. A compartment connected to all the other compartments in my mind and heart. This compartment leaks like a thatched roof in a monsoon memories to all parts of me. Around me the world at large. The world outside of the within me is my life as I know it. It's the outside compartments with less grief. More life sans meaning & purpose for me. This outside world devours me as well and has an equal effect on me as the grief within me.
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The fiercest grief warriors you’ll meet Moe & Nora
Nora and Moe created a space a place where grief and loss and pain can thrive. Grief can have a life beyond the crushing sense of loss where it pulls relentless at you and breaks your every moment. Nora and Moe have taken grief out of the darkness and allowed it to be shared in a way that I and others have learned to live with it.
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Escher-Eye
Three quick references on grief. How to navigate being stuck, broken, and unmotivated after a loss. The death of a colleague can be devastating for all some great tips to help everyone. Amazing list of online support groups when you’re grieving.
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There is that specter of hubris that chases me with relentless inquiries “Will you dance with me?” I won’t. Not because I’m smarter and more self actualized about all the psycho shit in my head. I just know I’m not worthy of hubris or self-actualized feels that says I am good either in my head or out loud.
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Loving myself has always been the bur under the saddle of self-worth. It was there poking at me and making my ride forward problematic. It was largely kept in check though sheer will and that I didn’t have to look at myself in relation to others. That damn do I measure up syndrome. Thank you the pandemic and isolation.
Read moreThere exists a ‘grief illiteracy’ in our collective lives. I would say with 20/20 hindsight the grief has animated my sense of loss which is new, a deeper understanding of Donna and what love is, the sincere wish I could share what I am learning and doing with others in the same state of shit.
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Escher Eye
Three great reads on grief 1. Surge Capacity our ability to survive stresses faced in Covid times. This works for grief 2. A review of yogi Shabkar work in loss and grief. Important. 3 Pandemic & Isolation so much written but this is is clear applicable to our grief.
Following Donna’s death I examined my loss and my grief relentlessly. Closure was never an option. Closure is indifference. Closure is denial said pretty. Closure ignores who Donna was and who she is within me. In my grief journey/work I’ve discovered three domains. We all grieve differently and each of our grief journeys are entirely unique. I attacked my grief hard and discovered its purpose and meaning for me. My wound of grief allowed light to enter.
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Dinner on Sunday was low key. The walk home, only two blocks, was difficult. Each step Donna took was painful and slow. She walked like one of Jerry’s kids on a telethon with braces.
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With a damp index finger he pushed little drops of condensation away. Swiping left right left right making rivulets to sharpen the image. The finger touched the nose in the mirror slowly then moved up and left and stroked the left eye. He tapped it to see if it would blink. No blink just an eye looking back into his eyes.
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Donna in Maine
This year the days leading up to and the day Donna died were unremarkable in a way. The pain and longing was there and darted like bats from the pitch black corners and recesses of my mind at random times was present. Flying at my face always fresh, new, and like WTF. It seems new every year and most days in between.
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Caregiving tasks suddenly and forever ended when Donna died three and half years after being told she would only live for six months. Caregiving tasks were the markers and check boxes for purpose during her treatment. That was all. Never meaning.
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This is not just a film for those grieving it is for everyone one of us. Grieving, grief adjacent, afraid to support, grief dumb, and those who want to see grief from the inside.
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The Crisis Text Line Hoodie
The hoodie allowed me to journey with texters to have them discover and achieve a cool calm. I am beyond grateful for being allowed to journey with them.
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Kubrick “Sometimes the truth of a thing is not in the think of it but the feel of it.” I feel that my decision to become a crisis counselor with Crisis Text Line gave me as much as give those in crisis. You should consider joining.
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Cake Topper May 15, 1983
Anniversary grief is subtle when it starts. You know the date and in your mind there is a smile remembering what happened that day and all that make the 28 years that followed. Then one morning you wake expecting to do the usual calling Donna just because it's what you do to greet the day. Today it's a plaintive cry imploring the gods to ease the pain settled in your bones.
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Today within our community and others we are gathered around a virtual village fountain sharing. Our personal grief shared allows other to see their grief and access it. AND it helps us understand and find a safe place to grieve. Shared emotions and ideas can only serve to help others integrate new knowledge into their world to create a new consciousness. COVID-19 and the pandemic will not allow even this small measure of grief and support to thrive.
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