Since Donna's death I've been harboring thoughts and plans of my own death. (There is a chapter about this entire thought in the Memoir) Ya know the good death vs. DIY. Are those mutually exclusive, Venn like, or 100% superimposed? All of this circles around aging in place alone doing all the subscribed actives of daily living, The exercise, no processed foods, no drinking, blah blah blah. Hope springs eternal thing. Well the hope springs a leak reality. The aging body begins to sputter and move haltingly in fits and starts. A bolt loosens. The left front tire is not balanced well. The gears grind. Low and behold there's a leak. mmmm what is a good death?
That harsh moment of reality kinda caught me off guard which means a bit of paralysis set in. I've contacted my healthcare provider. Need to make sure what feels like the end is near is in fact near. How near? Spoiler alert not all that near. Still the suddenness of the event brought al of my musings into focus. 20/20 focus. My plan. The Will, the executor, the estate, etc. have been done a long time ago. The more problematic lists are what to do with all the shit in the home? Art, books, records, electronics, cookware, etc. etc. etc. All of that just makes my head spin.
I don't want to have the executor struggle with it. Nor family (sister brother). Then add to that what's the timeframe? If there is one. Rush to react? What's the reaction? Estate planner to come in and figure out if there's anything worth selling? How much goes? Perhaps it's simply getting a moving company in to box up things in various categories, label, and leave for the executor.
Then there is the stuff to toss. What do I release from my need to save? What goes out with one of those junk haul outfits? Kinda racking my brain on that one. Much of what is here is Donna's therefore do I have the guts to finally surrender her as I being to surrender myself to the void? It feels like I'm clutching unwanted stuff in my dead and dying hands.
The other side of the cleanse of matter and material are all the subscriptions. How close to the DYI do I do it? I want to do it so that it's not left to anyone else. I guess the credit cards have to be closed as well. This part of it is difficult because it means the DIY is in place and needs to be done. Kind of no going back moment here.
Now the write notes to folks saying oooops sorry. Being cute here. I do owe many a reason so they understand the logic. Is it the few who may hurt the most. Who've been the closest? If I don't they will hurt. If I do they will hurt. Of course hand written notes. This again is a a real consideration as far as timing is concerned. If I do pen these notes and drop them in the mail kinda of a no turning back moment. A real struggle is going to be those friends who have children. Children I've remembered for b'days, holidays. just random notes. The parents will have to manage that. It seems so unfair. At the same time really not up for going though what MIGHT be an ugly lonely end hating myself for being alive just for them. My saving logic here, kids have such a short and limited attention span.
The others in my connection world who will not get notes. What do I do? A public note on my blog? Not sure I want to bring attention to DIY. That's not helpful. I'm hoping those who I write to will share with others in a way that is respectful and kind.
Finally the moment of truth. Can I face it? Do it? To get to this point all of the above needs to be put into motion and completed. Once that is done in reality there is no turning back.