"I only saw the brush strokes and not the canvas."
That halted me in the moment as if I just drove up to a train crossing and the gates came down. The red lights flashed and the bells sounded. I wondered was my grief journey all brush strokes while missing the canvas I was painting. The canvas of Donna, me, and grief?
Of course there was the memoir, "Donna, A Photo Memoir of Love and Loss" which was a canvas written right out of the gate following her death. The memoir was in fact the full breath and depth of us. Of our life together. Our lives before we met. My life after her death. I wrote it. Shared it. Promoted it. Kinda went no where. I gave up. Figured it was not the great American novel nor was I a writer. I tuned to small discrete shares, memories, thoughts, feels, and ramblings.
"Bounty And Famine My Bookends of Grief & Isolation"
"This Too Shall Pass When I Say So and On My Terms"
Those are just a smattering of posts from this blog. Donna the Book Web site came after I published the Memoir. The first post was June 2018 "Grief is My Glow Stick" The true start of cascading thoughts, ramblings, and shares began in 2012. On the Web site for my business. Bioc.net Here was the first post which had little to do with my grief journey.
All these seemingly random brush strokes on the canvas of my grief journey did paint a larger painting. One that I did not fully see or understand until I stepped back to consider the length and breath of my journey. I read this "How Grief Rewires the Brain" in Wellbeing.
We all grieve differently. This article points out that chemical imbalances within the brain exist. These can effect us in many physical ways, hopelessness, anxiety, fatigue. Our brains are rewired after a loss. We’re wired to respond to trauma in order to protect us so we may survive. Survive the abject pain of loss and grief.
As I look back at the time immediately following Donna's death I was in a fog and made some poor decisions. The scientists in this article point to poor decision making, memory issues, and forgetfulness. I can raise my hand for that and more. Add to this physical effects headaches, appetite changes, and fatigue. All of which add to the emotional impacts of loss. Including anger, sadness, guilt, and regret. I missed much durning this time.
The authors present ways to find protective behaviors to offset the maladaptive neuroplasticity of our natural grief response. In brief the authors identify three principles to help healing.
Reconnect with difficult memories. "Activities that allow for expression or creativity"
Restorative activities, outside, yoga, exercise, etc
Being open to new possibilities
What's the point of this? Back to the brush strokes. All these brush strokes I've dabbed on the canvas of my grief journey were unseen by me. I kept striking the canvas repeatedly with different colors believing this is the portrait of our story. It wasn't. Each stroke was a part of it. It was me just lashing out to be seen. For Donna to be seen. I finally stepped back looking at the entire canvas and saw what was really there.
It was a divisionism painting. All of my writing and sharing about loss, grief, Donna, and us were small dots creating an impression of my journey. I see now the true composition. A greater story. A picture of me at this point in time in life in the world. My grief remains but it’s not these dots of pain, loss, or love but a story of my reaching this moment in time to fully accept who I am. Who I want to be. A husband who was loved deeply. Who loved deeply. A husband who is worthy of life even when the loss falls on me like a summer hail storm. It's okay she is dead and I’m alive. Well kinda.
Each brush stroke is a difficult memory. The entire canvas is restorative and offers new possibilities. In the end all of this. All of it and this is me talking to myself. If others hear my words and find insight or knowledge or feel comfort know you gave me pause for joy.